Ok, great title, now let me explain. The initial phase of treatment called for 6-weeks of radiation (2:00 PM M-F) and chemo (pills I take at home) every day. Both have side effects. I lost most of my hair (from the radiation not the chemo), not really that big of a deal. Constipation from the chemo, big deal but manageable. What really got me down was the radiation fatigue. They told me the effects would accumulate over time. I had no idea how “accumulative” it would become. Fatigue started setting in around week three and continued to get worse by the day. I initially thought I would be able to handle it pretty well. I lowered my expectations (like they told me to) so I was just going to go to work half a day each morning, do my radiation, then come home, take a nap and be good to go for the rest of the evening. Believe me, that didn’t work out the way i anticipated. Every day I got more and more fatigued. Some mornings I couldn’t get out of bed until 10:00. Some days I just couldn’t do anything. That really depressed me, especially during the 5th and 6th weeks.
Monday the 14th was my last day of radiation. Sunday night I couldn’t get to sleep. Not an unusual situation. But usually I can’t get to sleep because of anxiety. But on Sunday it was entirely different. I was so excited about finally reaching my last treatment that I just wanted to stay up and “savor the moment”. I read until 1:00 AM then went to bed and fell right to sleep. I woke up in the morning at 7:00, felt terrific, got right up and made coffee for Marlys and I. I felt absolutely the best I have felt in 3-months.
I stayed home that morning, we left early, had lunch out and I bought some flowers for the radiation crew (they were such great people throughout the entire process). They have a little ceremony where I get to ring a bell to signal completion of the process. Then they offer me my mask as a keepsake (I "traded" them for the flowers). I had Marlys take some pictures (see above). Then we had to meet with the discharge nurse before going.
I guess I had never really asked many questions about the radiation process. I’m not sure why I decided to ask that day but I did. I asked her what the radiation really did, how it did it and how and why it “accumulated”, and when and how it would dissipate. She explained it to me. It was pretty simple in a technical sort of way. On the way home I was thinking of more interesting ways to “explain it” to those who might inquire. Here’s what I came up with:
You receive a 30-day sentence (for something you didn't even do). On day one they take you to the dungeon and give you three lashes. The lashes open big gashes that bleed and hurt like hell (OK, the radiation doesn’t cause bleeding or hurt – this just makes the story sound better). After the lashing they drag you back to your holding cell where you await the next days torture. Over night the first three lashes begin to close up a little.
On day two they again take you to the dungeon and give you another three lashes. Afterward they take you back to your cell where you spend the night licking your wounds. The first days wounds are a little more healed but will require many more days to completely go away. In the mean time you now have three fresh wounds that need to start the healing process. Days 3 through 30 are repeats of days 1 and 2.
Monday the 14th was my last day of radiation. Sunday night I couldn’t get to sleep. Not an unusual situation. But usually I can’t get to sleep because of anxiety. But on Sunday it was entirely different. I was so excited about finally reaching my last treatment that I just wanted to stay up and “savor the moment”. I read until 1:00 AM then went to bed and fell right to sleep. I woke up in the morning at 7:00, felt terrific, got right up and made coffee for Marlys and I. I felt absolutely the best I have felt in 3-months.
I stayed home that morning, we left early, had lunch out and I bought some flowers for the radiation crew (they were such great people throughout the entire process). They have a little ceremony where I get to ring a bell to signal completion of the process. Then they offer me my mask as a keepsake (I "traded" them for the flowers). I had Marlys take some pictures (see above). Then we had to meet with the discharge nurse before going.
I guess I had never really asked many questions about the radiation process. I’m not sure why I decided to ask that day but I did. I asked her what the radiation really did, how it did it and how and why it “accumulated”, and when and how it would dissipate. She explained it to me. It was pretty simple in a technical sort of way. On the way home I was thinking of more interesting ways to “explain it” to those who might inquire. Here’s what I came up with:
You receive a 30-day sentence (for something you didn't even do). On day one they take you to the dungeon and give you three lashes. The lashes open big gashes that bleed and hurt like hell (OK, the radiation doesn’t cause bleeding or hurt – this just makes the story sound better). After the lashing they drag you back to your holding cell where you await the next days torture. Over night the first three lashes begin to close up a little.
On day two they again take you to the dungeon and give you another three lashes. Afterward they take you back to your cell where you spend the night licking your wounds. The first days wounds are a little more healed but will require many more days to completely go away. In the mean time you now have three fresh wounds that need to start the healing process. Days 3 through 30 are repeats of days 1 and 2.
This brings us to Monday, September 14, the last day of “treatment”. On that day I may have gotten my last three lashes, but I still have a lot lashes received over the past 6-weeks that are in various stages of healing. Even though there will be no new lashes, the healing process will take time.
OK, I said I was going to stay away from the dark side, but you have to admit that this is a pretty cool image. It at least makes me feel like I might have really suffered a little. Painless radiation isn’t nearly as exciting a 30-days of lashings and dungeons.
The truth is the radiation builds up pretty much like the lashings would. It will take a while for the build up to dissipate. Some of my pen pals say they start feeling stronger after just 3-4 days. Others say it took several weeks. I’ve decided to just take it one day at a time. But at least I accept that I reasonably can't put too much pressure on myself. Counter to what my brain tells me, I did try to make a full day of it at work today. I found out after several hours that I’m not as tough as I might have thought I was. Time to listen to the brain and drop the expectations down another notch, at least for a few days. And that’s what I'm going to do.
OK, I said I was going to stay away from the dark side, but you have to admit that this is a pretty cool image. It at least makes me feel like I might have really suffered a little. Painless radiation isn’t nearly as exciting a 30-days of lashings and dungeons.
The truth is the radiation builds up pretty much like the lashings would. It will take a while for the build up to dissipate. Some of my pen pals say they start feeling stronger after just 3-4 days. Others say it took several weeks. I’ve decided to just take it one day at a time. But at least I accept that I reasonably can't put too much pressure on myself. Counter to what my brain tells me, I did try to make a full day of it at work today. I found out after several hours that I’m not as tough as I might have thought I was. Time to listen to the brain and drop the expectations down another notch, at least for a few days. And that’s what I'm going to do.
To anyone reading your blog it must seem like you're having a hell of a time getting through this, Dave. But to us in the office, well to me at least, I always see a determined and positive leader full of strength and courage. Your endurance is a real inspiration, and I pray for you every day. Not just for you but for your entire family and your friends. Thank you so much for being the bright, vibrant light in so many people's eyes, especially mine. You were one of the 2 people actually there for me during the hardest point(s) in my life, so if you need a 6-pack of Blue Boar, let me know. I love you and care about you deeply, and I know that with all of the positive thoughts and prayers coming your way that the universe will take great care of you.
ReplyDeleteGlad the "lashing" is over. Hope you are feeling better every day. Love you!
ReplyDeleteIn reading your recent posts, we are amazed at how strong you are in what you have suffered through (both physically & emotionally), and in the unknowns of this situation. You are an amazing example of strength hope in the fight against cancer. You, Marlys & the family are always in our thoughts & prayers!
ReplyDeleteDave! After reading this amazed blog. You're very strong person and will fight against this. I known you will get better but take slow paste at a time, rest a lots before return to office full time. I hope you soon get better and take very good care! You & Marlys are in my thought! Lisa
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