Catch up time!

I got an email from my friend David Hansen recently asking me why I haven’t been posting to my blog. I guess the answer is that I’ve always had trouble dealing publicly with bad news. Good news is always fun to talk about and I really enjoy sharing good things with people. But when things aren’t so good I tend to try and deal with them privately until I can make them good again. I guess I’ve been in that mode for the past 3-4 weeks. Time to move on.

In early September I completed my initial 6-week Radiation-Chemo treatment. The goal was to try and keep the tumor growth at neutral or at least very minimal growth. Unfortunately the final MRI showed that the tumor had actually grown by about 25%. They tell me that’s a lot, and a “game changer”.

They are in the process of moving me to a new treatment program utilizing a “blood growth blocking” agent and a new type of chemo drug. It is very new, not a lot of history and pretty much the last ditch effort.

Keep in mind; we knew this cancer was “terminal” from the very beginning. It’s just that when you begin the process you have several treatment options and you fill yourself flush with “hope”. And don’t get me wrong, not matter what, hope never goes away. But as you wean your way through the treatment options hope and reality begin a stronger competition for your conscious thought. And over the past few weeks I have come to learn that “terminal” takes on a significantly different reality when it is defined in months rather than years.

While doctors can only pass on their educated guess, and they are each a little different, the consensus seems to be 3-6 months unless the new treatment works (statistically about 40% positive), in which case it could push things out another 3-6 months. Of course there is always the “God” factor. We all know people who have outlived all the statistics (My friend David Hansen’s mother comes to mind). I have already told my neurologist that I plan to screw up all of her case study statistics. She seemed OK with that.

I won’t know how this final treatment is doing for another 2-months. That’s pretty frustrating, but it’s the way it goes. I’m counting on good news but preparing for everything.

One of the reasons I haven’t been writing is because I’ve spent a lot of the past few weeks being angry. Don’t know if I will ever be able to lose the anger completely, but I do seem to be getting past it. All of those who know me know that I have also been working on “a plan”. Of course I started the plan the day of my first seizure. But now the timeline has moved up and I’m simplifying it and trying to share it with my family members. It’s a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, sharing I mean. As I said in the beginning, I’ve always tried to take on the burden of dealing with bad news myself. It’s really difficult finding the courage to share this particular burden.

I think that many of my good friends have already figured it out. I know they have been extending special kindness and prayers. It is so meaningful to me. I thank each and everyone so much. I promise I will never give up hope. And I will always love each and every one of you.
Much more to come